> would be completely reasonable to say that the US (or at least the southern states) was not a democracy in the modern sense of the word until that happened
That’s redefining democracy to the extent it excludes Athens. The term you may be looking for is a liberal democracy, or more precisely universal suffrage.
If a country were run like ancient Athens today, nobody would consider it a democracy. We are talking about "democracy" in its modern meaning, not the regimes that used that term in a completely different way thousands of years ago.
> We are talking about "democracy" in its modern meaning
You are. That’s a redefinition. It neuters the term of its millennia-old moral weight.
Sure, I’ll agree Israel isn’t a democracy per whatever definition you’re using. It isn’t a “real”country per others’. At that point, however, you’re just expressing a personal dislike. Nothing foundational.
That’s redefining democracy to the extent it excludes Athens. The term you may be looking for is a liberal democracy, or more precisely universal suffrage.